What to Expect with Marriage and Couples Counseling?

Paraphrasing Charles Dickens' famous novel title, any intimate relationship involves two distinct engagements. A partnership union, like marriage, is a kind of "A tale of two marriages," hers and his. Like the old Talmudic story, we have two different versions of the same event(s). In that story, the rabbi was called upon to render a decision in a couple's situation. He listened carefully to one spouse's account, saying, "you are absolutely right"; then he listened carefully to the other spouse's story and shook his head again, saying, "you are absolutely right."

Of course, a therapist's role is quite different, but there is something to learn from the above stories that help prepare for a couple's therapy sessions.

Initial Phase

Couples bring to therapy their differences about the realities of their union, including:

• domestic duties

• household tasks 

• companionship

• social interactions

• sexual relations

• making processes

Each feels that the stakes are high and that right is on their side. They are in crisis and generally focused on finding who to blame, usually the other partner. They are angry, frustrated, and disappointed with each other. 

The therapist will allow each of you to tell their story, listen carefully, and try to understand what is happening.

The partners will be assisted in channeling their anger and identifying and redefining their difficulties. 

The goal of this phase is to help them stop blaming their partner, begin to recognize that the difficulties involve both of them, and assume shared responsibility for their challenges.  

It is a slow and gradual process, and its length varies with each couple and the therapist's interventions. 

Even after the couple makes significant progress, blaming and assigning responsibility to the other will resurface when new difficulties are uncovered during the therapy process. 

Nevertheless, when a couple overcomes these early difficulties, they feel accomplishment and are encouraged to handle other challenges that will arise later in the therapeutic process.

What are the objectives of the early stage of therapy?

During the first sessions, the focus will be on understanding "what brings you to therapy"?

The more specific and immediate goal is to help you" settle in," which means feeling secure with your therapist, along with respect, empathy, concern, and genuineness towards each of you personally and your situation, your system of partnership. This challenging task can be significantly helped with your cooperation, openness, and willingness to share. At this time, you and your therapist will also ascertain compatibility between you and your therapist and between what is offered and what you seek.

The "contract"

Any partnership involves some implicit and explicit expectations. Couple therapy is no exception, and it is important to pay explicit attention to what you expect and what is a realistic expectation. When our psyche and emotional well-being are involved, there are too many disappointments and no "bargains." Some couples may ask for a short-term therapy intervention presenting a problem with a particular and limited issue.

Is "communication problems" a limited issue?

There are couples, sometimes only one, who present "communication problems" as their main issue expecting short and focused interventions to re-gauge the relationship back to "normal."     

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