How Do We Know Who We Are?
Mental Health, Identity, and Psychotherapy
Herzel Yerushalmi, PH.D
Shlomit Mona Yerushalmi, LCSW
What is a sense of “I”?
Identity development, or a sense of self, of who “I” am, occurs due to the interplay between biology, psychology, and social and cultural forces. Our identity develops in the context of relationships, interpersonal, social, and cultural (social institutions, conventions, beliefs, etc.).
What are the functions of “Identity”?
A sense of identity consists of our experiences, growing up and developing, and memories.
Early in our life, the attitudes of our parents and other authority figures toward us profoundly affect how we see ourselves. Through a long identification process with these significant others, including peers, we define who we are, what we want, and what we believe. The developing sense of identity gives us a sense of confidence and determines our purposes and goals for the future.
How does identity affect mental health?
The sense of who “I” am and awareness are closely related. Being aware and conscious nourishes our capacity to observe, make decisions, reflect upon our behaviors, and learn from them. These, in turn, enhance our sense of self and self-esteem, make us feel strong, decisive, and have a direction and purpose.
When the sense of “I” is solid, we have a calming feeling of continuity and consistency. We trust our perceptions and own our experiences and memories (in contrast to being estranged and disaffected). The result is that we feel confident, strong, balanced, and well-grounded. We feel “I understand myself—I know who I am.” Since identity is closely related to how others perceive us, we feel more secure in social and intimate relationships and when making decisions.
Diffused sense of identity: Who is in charge?
Many early developmental challenges, life events, and relational experiences may disrupt the emergence of a healthy sense of identity. An unstable and shaky understanding of identity results in many anxiety states, internal confusion, and indecisiveness and can lead to personal crises and disruptions in intimate relationships. There is a feeling of failure in negotiating our private self and the public self, and our real self – who we really are and want, is compromised. Depression and anxiety may be the boding symptoms. There is a feeling of being pulled by events, people, or circumstances and that “I can’t find myself” or “I don’t know what I want.”
Fragmentation, identity, and how psychotherapy helps:
As mentioned, a sense of self-identity is strongly connected to memories and experiences. Unfortunately, we, in the Western world, are living a disjointed life. In such pervasive conditions, Elizabeth Allende reminds us:
Our memory is fragile. Our lifetime is very brief; everything happens so fast that we have no time to understand the relationship between events…
In this life maze, everything happens too fast—nothing is permanent, fixed and secure. We can’t keep track of ourselves over time. The memories of experiences we went through growing up have been lost, and later fast, paced experiences in life lost their meanings and impact on our sense of “I.” We are left with a fragmented story of who we are, with bits and pieces of identity.
A life event at work or home, with a friend or a love mate, with an employer or an employee, an injury, illness or death—may cause a rupture, shake the balance of this fragmented self-system, and agitate the sense of knowing who I am and what I want.
Psychotherapy as an opportunity:
Therapy allows us to revisit our story and establish solidity in our sense of “who we are.” Therapy may be a safe and non-judgmental relationship process to explore the meanings of symptoms such as depression, anxiety, confusion, anger and revive memories and experiences that impacted our development and defined who we have become.
Restoring the sense of self will also restore a sense of confidence and trust in our perceptions and judgments and strengthen our ability to reflect and make decisions and choices.
At Footprint New Jersey, our team is here for you to speak to in confidence. Our team of professional therapists is ready to give an attentive ear to your story, feelings, and issues you are debating and struggling with. Get in touch here for a completely confidential chat to discuss how we can help you.