Marriage and Couple Counseling: Part II

From Communicating to Relating

Our culture places a great amount of value on communication; communication with our colleagues, clients, friends, family, and perhaps most importantly our romantic partners. It’s an art to be able to communicate effectively with all of these relations, but there’s a catch: some people communicate excellently with one another, but can never agree on anything!

What we are communicating and how we are communicating are distinct and it’s critical to understand both in order to build strong relationships. Knowing how to communicate is undoubtedly important, but not necessarily sufficient alone for a fulfilling, intimate relationship. 

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In the context of a relationship, a lot of the communication might be indirectly expressed. This can be anything from body language to actions that allow the other person to discover the truth for themselves. For example, a partner might make lots of evening plans to avoid being at home. This can be a form of indirectly communicating that they’re feeling uncomfortable or frustrated in the relationship, and they don’t feel they can express this verbally. Of course, this is equally problematic for the other partner who may be at home upset and feeling in the dark about why their partner isn’t home. This example illustrates how communication “problems” may well be a symptom of a relationship discord, but not necessarily the root cause of it.

Couples counseling can be great for couples finding themselves with strained communication. Both parties will be encouraged to express their individual pain points, in order to contextualize and understand the source of the miscommunication and define their needs and expectations from the relationship. As a result, both parties should sense their communication improving after finding their own voice in the relationship.  

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What should you expect from relationship counseling?

  • The therapeutic process calls for active participation, with both parties addressing their issues and concerns with openness and honesty 

  • Naturally, things can get heated when we disagree, but you should approach each session with a reasoned mindset. Express your frustration in a way that avoids self-sabotage and will allow you to be listened to

  • Try to keep your temper when expressing yourself or disagreeing on matters, even with your therapist! Allow your therapist to help you and the healing process

  • Expect to feel a deep release of emotions. Therapy involves meeting one’s deepest feelings and naturally, you may come across emotional reactions such as anxiety and sadness 

  • Understanding the root cause of the problem and learning more about yourself and your partner doesn’t always lessen the pain. However, it will provide an opportunity to develop coping mechanisms for the pain.

The different stages of relationship therapy

In our initial sessions, we want you both to settle in and focus on:

  • Establishing rapport and a foundation for you and your partner to begin working through issues

  • Defining the problems each of you is concerned about

  • Agreeing on mutual goals

  • Addressing communication blocks and solutions to these.

The nitty-gritty of our work happens in our later sessions, where we want both parties to willingly accept that there are no shortcuts or quick fixes in a romantic relationship. When things are hard, effort needs to be directed at those deeper layers and understandings of you and your partner. Throughout this process, we sometimes look into other social units such as your relationships with friends and other family members, especially the family of origin. Beyond this, we may even look at addressing issues around dependency-independency.

As we move through this process, each partner should eventually feel safe and secure to expose themselves to one another, and their deeper needs, desires, and vulnerabilities.

How long does couples counseling last?

There are some indicators for you to gauge how things are proceeding and for you to mutually agree on the right time to end your counseling sessions. From this point, we advise having this conversation with your counselor and gradually concluding your sessions rather than taking an abrupt stop with no action plan in place. Do bear in mind that check-up sessions or alternative arrangements with your counselor are a great way to ensure things are staying on track. Before making the decision to end your sessions, it’s worth discussing the following with your partner:

  • What level of commitment do you have to continue this flow of communication with one another?

  • What is the quality of communication, is it genuine and less guarded after the sessions? 

  • How do you handle conflicts with each other? Through avoidance, pretend, and passive-aggressive behaviors? Or addressing issues front-on?

  • Can you and your partner reach a compromise? Are there scenarios where you think you may struggle to compromise? 

  • Do you have the capacity to fully accept one another as you are?

These are life-long goals to aspire to and work on in a healthy and ever-evolving romantic relationship. 

At Footprint our specialist therapists can support you to function better together and help build a solid foundation for a fulfilling and satisfying togetherness.  

You can learn more about how we can help you on our website https://www.footprintnj.com/. Contact our office.